I wonder why it is so difficult writing about times that feel hard and challenging. I always want to sound happy and upbeat and sunshiney, and THANK GOD, mostly I am and do. But when I am too busy, unfocused or ambivalent, headachy or over tired, emotional or going through utterly irrational fears that have no basis in reality, I just want to hide them away from myself and the world.
I just want to run, but then am always reminded once again of Hester, "You can run, my Blom, but remember, you always take yourself along!"
I once ran from London to Hongkong in one fell swoop, only to realise there in a bar in Kowloon, that I had indeed "brought myself along".
I have not been sleeping well, and I have a small muscle under my left eye that keeps on jumping and shuddering. I am putting my light off too late and then wake up at 4 am with knots on my stomach that I cannot name. I am just not in a very safe space with myself right now, diving down into unknown unchartered waters.
I have told myself to let it be, just let it be. This too shall pass and the light heart is sure be restored.
Today, I felt a prick of familiarity to this feeling, and thought back to the time when I was feeling really heavy and scared, attending a grieving seminar in southern Germany many years ago. I know I have spoken of it here before- a beautiful quiet Franciscan monastry and an ageless wise and childlike nun.
I spoke to her of my feeling of diving through the deep murky slush, completely disorientated and bewildered.She instructed me to go where I fear most, close my eyes and willingly go with the process, dive even deeper down and just trust what was happening.
I could hardly breathe at first, my heart exploding in my chest, but willed myself to continue down down down, through layers of blackness, until inexplicable I started to perceive a kind of luminescence. A tiny feeling of relief washed over me, at least something was becoming visible. I started to faintly make out sea creatures and plants, and then also shells, amazing pearls and other treasures, all glowing with an inner light. I had reached a place of unusual and sublime beauty and serenity.
As I had that memory today, I realised anew, that I need not fear these moments, but need to embrace them and dive into them, in order to find the gifts that are hidden within.
So, dear ones, I wish us all the inner courage to embrace the moments that bring us trepidation, and know that they have special fruits to bear.
I just want to run, but then am always reminded once again of Hester, "You can run, my Blom, but remember, you always take yourself along!"
I once ran from London to Hongkong in one fell swoop, only to realise there in a bar in Kowloon, that I had indeed "brought myself along".
I have not been sleeping well, and I have a small muscle under my left eye that keeps on jumping and shuddering. I am putting my light off too late and then wake up at 4 am with knots on my stomach that I cannot name. I am just not in a very safe space with myself right now, diving down into unknown unchartered waters.
I have told myself to let it be, just let it be. This too shall pass and the light heart is sure be restored.
Today, I felt a prick of familiarity to this feeling, and thought back to the time when I was feeling really heavy and scared, attending a grieving seminar in southern Germany many years ago. I know I have spoken of it here before- a beautiful quiet Franciscan monastry and an ageless wise and childlike nun.
I spoke to her of my feeling of diving through the deep murky slush, completely disorientated and bewildered.She instructed me to go where I fear most, close my eyes and willingly go with the process, dive even deeper down and just trust what was happening.
I could hardly breathe at first, my heart exploding in my chest, but willed myself to continue down down down, through layers of blackness, until inexplicable I started to perceive a kind of luminescence. A tiny feeling of relief washed over me, at least something was becoming visible. I started to faintly make out sea creatures and plants, and then also shells, amazing pearls and other treasures, all glowing with an inner light. I had reached a place of unusual and sublime beauty and serenity.
As I had that memory today, I realised anew, that I need not fear these moments, but need to embrace them and dive into them, in order to find the gifts that are hidden within.
So, dear ones, I wish us all the inner courage to embrace the moments that bring us trepidation, and know that they have special fruits to bear.
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