Saturday, December 17, 2011

Expectations and silence

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.”

Thoreau

What a strange weekend. On Wednesday after work I had a really excellent pedicure(purple) and then a yoga class which really filled me with joy. My new housemate and I were invited over to the loved one's house for dinner and I was really full of expectations.
But,oh my goodness, things were just not in synch; we ordered food, he wanted something different from us.. we decided to watch a film, we wanted different things. He decided to do us a favour by making a dessert from scratch, but in the mean time my blood sugar was so low I was practically fainting.

This all was too weird, a strange surreal landscape over which I had no control, and I started reacting emotionally to myself and the situation. Then on top of it all, as soon as I started eating, I felt as sick as a dog and suffered from some kind of strange stomach bug for the rest of the weekend. Yuck. The loved one was somehow happily playing behind his own walls, while I wanted him to be reassuring and take care of me. Mmm, no, this was not happening. Not in the way that I wanted. He offered me pills and TV shows and let me be. Exactly how he would like to be treated when he is not in top form.

Ever had that? You set yourself up for one thing and something completely different happens? Why do we keep doing that? As soon as I decided to just let it be and relinquish control and all expectations, the time together seemed to flow better. I learnt a long time ago that to want nothing often attracts abundance. Wanting nothing meaning to be fully accepting of the moment as it is, even if it feels peculiar. 

So, after volcanic physical and emotional inner turmoil, the last part turned out quiet and peaceful. The trip to the animal market and souq in Nizwa did us good, I found the magic rose oil, and we sat with our feet in the Falaj Daris. Even then, contrary to our expectations, the fish would not come to play and  nibble our feet. We sat in silence in the sun, enjoying the running water; him letting me be where I am and me letting him be where he is. Does that make any sense? Not trying to pull the other person closer or trying to fluff them up, but just being in that space of personal freedom together.

I include this quote today, because I experienced my first sunrise in many months as I was driving out of town on Sunday morning. I had this realisation that love is not easy, but it is beautiful, and that the one expectation we may always have in this life, is that of dawn. I feel so happy to be on this road with a trustworthy companion.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Of sushi and sunset

"... have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, from "Letters to a Young Poet"

I just had to take this beautiful quote by Rilke today, so apt after my thoughts yesterday. It was posted on FB today by my friend and fellow traveller on the road, Junaline. Thanks girlfriend. It is incredible to me how one attracts the support, information and confirmation you need when you really truly want something and are willing to do the work. It sometimes gives me goosebumps.


After writing and contemplating yesterday, I took myself off on a hot date with myself to one of my favourite restaurants in Muscat overlooking the beach. I sat on the terrace drinking miso and eating sushi, watching the sunset's pinks and golds reflecting in the calm water of the bay, and truly just came home. I was thinking about the words yesterday about living the joy in the moment. I want to visit the desert again soon and as I sat there spoke to Rashid about coming on Saturday after work. Out of the blue in our quite mundane conversation, he said, 'Stefani, I learnt a long time ago not to hold on to anything in this life, even when I really really want to'. It was an uncanny connection to my exact thought just a few minutes earlier.


I had a peaceful walk on the beach, really feeling my toes in the sand and and the cold breeze on my upper arms. I observed the ebb and flow and and felt so grateful for feeling this connection.


I am looking forward to my weekend which will start in a couple of hours with a pedicure, a yoga class, movie night with the loved one and a Christmas shopping trip with him on Friday to Nizwa to buy the real magic rose oil of the Jebel Akhdar.


I wish for all of you to do something only for yourself today, something that brings you home and helps you realise that you are truly welcome in this world.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

of dandelions and rocks

Where have I been, I ask myself? Why is it that when we are busy and wrapped up in the single complicated moments of life, do we first give up the things that truly keep us healthy on all levels? Why is it sometimes so difficult to do the grounding things that truly bring us joy? A colleague commented recently that men automatically go back to the well, recharge, do what they need to do. Women have to be more deliberate about it. That's where I am now. Love is good, very good, but I am not loving myself first. Reminding myself how important it is to do that one.

Many things going on, many thoughts, much bliss, many perfect moments, also confusion, fog and frustration, but that is life and I take it all on.

I recently had a dream of standing with a dandelion in my left hand and a small rugged rock in my right. This was so representative to me how I feel about life and love right now. I feel that it is all so fleeting and I want to grab hold, and it is also solid and dependable and with me on a deep level. Both are made of the same stuff. Both are truly beautiful. And they do balance.

It reminded me of Blake's poem:

"He who binds to himself a joy does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies lives in eternity's sun rise."

I've been aspiring to live that since my teens, why does it get more difficult and not more easy?

The loved one bought me a pair of really nice hiking boots for Christmas, my first proper hiking boots ever, may I add. He is so thoughtful. They mean so much to me, as they are the representation for me of the dandelion and the rock, the wings and the roots, the wild flight and also treading the path with care.

I feel an adventure coming on.

Love to you all. Wishing you deep roots and strong wings as Christmas and the end of the year draws near.

And yes, there are many questions, but there are also answers.