'There ain't no cure for love' L.Cohen
So, I have been so busy being in love, that there has just been no time to write. That does not mean that I have not thought about my blog, or that I have not written, no, I have been writing in my head all the time. I have also been jotting a lot of things down in my journal; but that's not sharing, so I guess it doen't really count.
I have been wanting to tell you about it for ages, but what to say about love, it is such an incredible subject. It is so private, so precious, and so fragile, but still it keeps growing against all odds like those unbelievable tough and plucky plants one sees pushing their way out between rocks in the mountain. They grow into huge trees and flower and live a life on that precipice. Or like those little flowers one sees coming up between the cracks in the pavement. What is with that?
Forgive me if I have told this story before. I remember years ago being on a grief seminar, everyone so torn that they could hardly speak. The Fransiscan nun running the workshop was using pictures to help us come to terms with all the complex emotions inside. One of the images she showed was of a little purple flower growing through the cracks of a cement tile. I remember being able to cry for the first time in many years. I perceived that picture to be the perfect symbol of hope. Nature doesn't think of the future. Nature just does what come naturally.
Maybe that is really how I feel now. I am in awe, quite speechless, am just watching and partaking in the flow of the process. And I allow myself to have hope.
It is the first time I have loved and preceived that love to be completely mine, mine, mine. This belongs to me and it is my experience: the joy, the excitement, yes, the beating heart and anticipation when I know that I'll see him, the contentment, the peace, the mundane moments, all these things belong to me. It is not his doing, he is not responsible for it; he is part of it and shares in it as much as he wants, but this is my love. I have owned it.
I am basking in it, surrounded by it, have surrendered to it, have opened my heart to it. I am complete and whole and can enjoy it completely and wholely. He is whole and complete and how he perceives it, and lives it, is his experience.
I am not projecting my feelings, expectations, longings or even gratefulness onto him, and it feels good.
There is so much silence and so much space between us, and so much intimacy in that silence and space.Also there is laughter and play and much joy in the ordinary things.
I seek to change nothing.
It is also dififcult and painful and sometimes I struggle. I have fear because after all we live in the world, but still I seek to change nothing about this complex and wonderful thing. It is too late to run.
Today is everything. It is a love of drifting together in the quiet gunmetal sea after sunset with the lightest frostpink in the sky and a slight mist around the street lamps in the distance. Being held by the soft water and that simple cool moment being all encompassing.
As my dear friend in Oberschwaben , Brigitte, said last week on the phone, 'Only the wind knows what tomorrow brings.'
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