Tea and mystery

'Maybe you allow the shimmering, simmering mystery to be mysterious, and not try to make it answerable to every twitch of your desire to be reasonable and knowledgeable'.

 

Dear friends

 

I am safely back from my much needed Christmas break to southern Germany. It was meaningful and magical and I will tell you more.

 

But today I am thinking about the year ahead and how to approach each day with a new and fresh energy, and just let it be what it is.

 

I am not a great believer in the whole concept of time in any case, and the idea of New Year starting on 1 January has always been lost on me. At midnight of 31 December, I was on Doha airport with the loved one, standing alone in a queue attempting to get a cup of tea. It was a mundane and completely normal moment, and I ended up aborting the stagnant line and weaving my way back through a maze of tables and chairs to where he was sitting. It could have been any moment of any day of any year. Us both sweaty and lethargic from airplane travel, looking for a cup of tea. How strange to say that it was a perfect moment. We didn't kiss or speak even, I just slipped my hand comfortably through his arm, and so we proceeded in search of a friendlier spot for a refreshing beverage.

 

I do however find these false beginnings a good time to think about things in general and set a few intentions as signposts on the road. My intention for 2011 will definitely be taken on into 2012, "Take more naps". It worked very well for me!

 

This year I am going to let the magic and the mystery be, to shimmer and simmer.

 

 I had a very valuable conversation with Monica last night. She said,'Stefani, define this thing you call magic'.

Magic is for me the quality that connects every soul and object to the divine, in whatever form you choose to experience it. Magic is the universe that supports me. Magic is knowing that there are legions of angels and souls in an unseen realm working for my good. Our human thoughts are so incredibly limited and we try so hard to be logical. We forget that there are infinitely more possibilities than we can ever 'think' of.

 

For me the magic and mystery of life is in the power of love.

 

I wish for all of us this year to have faith in the magic, to keep hope in our hearts and to be joyful in those 'Let's search for a cup of tea' moments.

promise yourself

I think this is very thought provoking just before the New Year. I shall go on my Christmas break without taking any link to cyberspace with me, I need me-time and man-time, so I'll leave you with these words by Rob Brezsny as food for though till I return in January. I'm not doing copy and paste, but typing it out, as to take in every part. It really appeals deeply to me because it is so close to my own philosophy of working to make yourself better and happier, so making the world better and happier.

Do you promise to push hard to get better and smarter,
grow your devotion to the truth,
fuel your commitment to beauty,
refine your emotions,
hone your dreams,
wrestle with your shadow,
purge your ignorance and
soften your heart-
even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are, with all of your so-called foibles and wobbles?

Do you pledge to wake yourself up,
never hold back,
have nothing to lose,
go all the way,
kiss the stormy sky,
be the hero of your own story,
ask for everything you need and give everything you have,
take yourself to the river when it is time to go to the river,
and take yourself to the mountaintop when it is time to go to the mountaintop?

May your days over the Christmas season be pervaded by Love and Light.

Surprises in loony land

A wonderful gift might not be wrapped as you expected. JL Huie

I had a lucky day today, a good flowing one. I had to renew my car registration and have been putting it off for weeks. Procrastination on these issues happen for many reasons, but this time particularly because Ollie is 10 years old this year and cars of 10 years or more need to go through a check here.

Recently in a bit of an absent-minded moment on the road...one should really never have those moments on the road at the best of times, but especially here in loony land... I clipped his right side-mirror. Immediately alarm bells went off in my head, dollar signs flashing in my mind's eye. I took the car to my trusty Bangladeshi carfixer just around the corner who unscrewed the mirror and told me to come back in a couple of days. My new housemate commented later that evening, 'What happened to Ollie's ear?"
I answered that he was sympathising with the scraggely one-eared wonder kitten Rufus we acquired recently. Or should I say, he acquired us, but that is another blog. 

In any case, long story short, the trusty carman was not able to find a new side mirror and took it on himself to cut a piece of normal mirror and stick it quite roughly into the place of the old one. It has to be added that he did charge me next to nothing. The loved one advised me to clean the glue off the mirror with nail polish remover, which did not work. Very unusual for any advice coming from him.

 I was therefore apprehensive about the whole visit to the police this morning. What would happen if they didn't accept the mirror? I would have to get a new one, hassle.. time... money..., I don't need this just before my holiday blah blah blah. What's that thing about expecting the worst and then it will probably not be that bad. This does not apply to any kind of official process in Oman, expecting the worst is just being realistic. 

Well, I arrived there, didn't have to wait, everyone really friendly, paid immediately, got the new card, no one mentioned anything about checking the car and I left within 15 minutes. It was incredible!
This set me up for a smooth ride for the rest of the day. I just took one step at a time and went with the flow. It was a GOOD productive day.

I learnt that one should be weary of putting lables on things, constantly having negative expectations just because of negative experiences from the past. It is important to give life and processes and people a fresh chance every day to actually evolve, break out of patterns and surprise you.

I wish you all one unexpected brilliant moment that permeates and sets the tone for the rest of your day.

Good night!

Expectations and silence

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.”

Thoreau

What a strange weekend. On Wednesday after work I had a really excellent pedicure(purple) and then a yoga class which really filled me with joy. My new housemate and I were invited over to the loved one's house for dinner and I was really full of expectations.

But,oh my goodness, things were just not in synch; we ordered food, he wanted something different from us.. we decided to watch a film, we wanted different things. He decided to do us a favour by making a dessert from scratch, but in the mean time my blood sugar was so low I was practically fainting.

This all was too weird, a strange surreal landscape over which I had no control, and I started reacting emotionally to myself and the situation. Then on top of it all, as soon as I started eating, I felt as sick as a dog and suffered from some kind of strange stomach bug for the rest of the weekend. Yuck. The loved one was somehow happily playing behind his own walls, while I wanted him to be reassuring and take care of me. Mmm, no, this was not happening. Not in the way that I wanted. He offered me pills and TV shows and let me be. Exactly how he would like to be treated when he is not in top form.

Ever had that? You set yourself up for one thing and something completely different happens? Why do we keep doing that? As soon as I decided to just let it be and relinquish control and all expectations, the time together seemed to flow better. I learnt a long time ago that to want nothing often attracts abundance. Wanting nothing meaning to be fully accepting of the moment as it is, even if it feels peculiar. 

So, after volcanic physical and emotional inner turmoil, the last part turned out quiet and peaceful. The trip to the animal market and souq in Nizwa did us good, I found the magic rose oil, and we sat with our feet in the Falaj Daris. Even then, contrary to our expectations, the fish would not come to play and  nibble our feet. We sat in silence in the sun, enjoying the running water; him letting me be where I am and me letting him be where he is. Does that make any sense? Not trying to pull the other person closer or trying to fluff them up, but just being in that space of personal freedom together.

I include this quote today, because I experienced my first sunrise in many months as I was driving out of town on Sunday morning. I had this realisation that love is not easy, but it is beautiful, and that the one expectation we may always have in this life, is that of dawn. I feel so happy to be on this road with a trustworthy companion.

Of sushi and sunset

"... have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, from "Letters to a Young Poet"

I just had to take this beautiful quote by Rilke today, so apt after my thoughts yesterday. It was posted on FB today by my friend and fellow traveller on the road, Junaline. Thanks girlfriend. It is incredible to me how one attracts the support, information and confirmation you need when you really truly want something and are willing to do the work. It sometimes gives me goosebumps.


After writing and contemplating yesterday, I took myself off on a hot date with myself to one of my favourite restaurants in Muscat overlooking the beach. I sat on the terrace drinking miso and eating sushi, watching the sunset's pinks and golds reflecting in the calm water of the bay, and truly just came home. I was thinking about the words yesterday about living the joy in the moment. I want to visit the desert again soon and as I sat there spoke to Rashid about coming on Saturday after work. Out of the blue in our quite mundane conversation, he said, 'Stefani, I learnt a long time ago not to hold on to anything in this life, even when I really really want to'. It was an uncanny connection to my exact thought just a few minutes earlier.


I had a peaceful walk on the beach, really feeling my toes in the sand and and the cold breeze on my upper arms. I observed the ebb and flow and and felt so grateful for feeling this connection.


I am looking forward to my weekend which will start in a couple of hours with a pedicure, a yoga class, movie night with the loved one and a Christmas shopping trip with him on Friday to Nizwa to buy the real magic rose oil of the Jebel Akhdar.


I wish for all of you to do something only for yourself today, something that brings you home and helps you realise that you are truly welcome in this world.

of dandelions and rocks

Where have I been, I ask myself? Why is it that when we are busy and wrapped up in the single complicated moments of life, do we first give up the things that truly keep us healthy on all levels? Why is it sometimes so difficult to do the grounding things that truly bring us joy? A colleague commented recently that men automatically go back to the well, recharge, do what they need to do. Women have to be more deliberate about it. That's where I am now. Love is good, very good, but I am not loving myself first. Reminding myself how important it is to do that one.

Many things going on, many thoughts, much bliss, many perfect moments, also confusion, fog and frustration, but that is life and I take it all on.

I recently had a dream of standing with a dandelion in my left hand and a small rugged rock in my right. This was so representative to me how I feel about life and love right now. I feel that it is all so fleeting and I want to grab hold, and it is also solid and dependable and with me on a deep level. Both are made of the same stuff. Both are truly beautiful. And they do balance.

It reminded me of Blake's poem:

"He who binds to himself a joy does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies lives in eternity's sun rise."

I've been aspiring to live that since my teens, why does it get more difficult and not more easy?

The loved one bought me a pair of really nice hiking boots for Christmas, my first proper hiking boots ever, may I add. He is so thoughtful. They mean so much to me, as they are the representation for me of the dandelion and the rock, the wings and the roots, the wild flight and also treading the path with care.

I feel an adventure coming on.

Love to you all. Wishing you deep roots and strong wings as Christmas and the end of the year draws near.

And yes, there are many questions, but there are also answers.

Work and play

I can't believe it is a week since I landed back in Muscat after a mega-flight. It is always when one is in the biggest hurry to get home, that the journey seems to drag on for infinity!We circled  endlessly for 30 minutes above Dubai before a runway was free. Then after taking on the passengers for the last leg to Muscat and taxi-ing for 15 minutes ( I had joked to the students that we were being driven home), we were called back becuase of problems with a tyre. I was ready to go balmy.

In any case, safely back home, great to be in my purple palace with my kitties. Straight into the deep end of beginning of academic year chaos, too many students, not enough books, wrong levels, too much admin. But it is great to see my colleagues that I missed through the summer, and I will readily admit that I always miss being in front of a class once I have been away for a few weeks. I am very fortunate to say that I really enjoy what I do for a living.

It has been a frustrating and tiring week, but also a week of much hope and joy. I am deeply happy to spend time with my rosepetal man again. He is in a good space with himself and gave me the warmest homecoming. The space between us is playful and peaceful and I look forward to being in the magic dunes with him tomorrow. I am sure the dust will settle there and I will find rest.

I am trying a new yoga group. It is unlike anything I have done before. It is loud and a little chaotic and the teacher is a real livewire, joking with us, pushing us. She said something in the final meditation which really got me through this week- "words of fire" my mother would have called it. " As you breathe.... CHARGE YOUSELF WITH GOODNESS...

Those words have been the perfect fulcrum for my week, I play them in my mind and breathe and imagine myself becoming more grateful, more clean inside, more humble, yes, just better.. more good. My wish  for us: May goodness pervade our lives as we breathe, and may we always feel secure in that.