Expectations and silence

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.”

Thoreau

What a strange weekend. On Wednesday after work I had a really excellent pedicure(purple) and then a yoga class which really filled me with joy. My new housemate and I were invited over to the loved one's house for dinner and I was really full of expectations.

But,oh my goodness, things were just not in synch; we ordered food, he wanted something different from us.. we decided to watch a film, we wanted different things. He decided to do us a favour by making a dessert from scratch, but in the mean time my blood sugar was so low I was practically fainting.

This all was too weird, a strange surreal landscape over which I had no control, and I started reacting emotionally to myself and the situation. Then on top of it all, as soon as I started eating, I felt as sick as a dog and suffered from some kind of strange stomach bug for the rest of the weekend. Yuck. The loved one was somehow happily playing behind his own walls, while I wanted him to be reassuring and take care of me. Mmm, no, this was not happening. Not in the way that I wanted. He offered me pills and TV shows and let me be. Exactly how he would like to be treated when he is not in top form.

Ever had that? You set yourself up for one thing and something completely different happens? Why do we keep doing that? As soon as I decided to just let it be and relinquish control and all expectations, the time together seemed to flow better. I learnt a long time ago that to want nothing often attracts abundance. Wanting nothing meaning to be fully accepting of the moment as it is, even if it feels peculiar. 

So, after volcanic physical and emotional inner turmoil, the last part turned out quiet and peaceful. The trip to the animal market and souq in Nizwa did us good, I found the magic rose oil, and we sat with our feet in the Falaj Daris. Even then, contrary to our expectations, the fish would not come to play and  nibble our feet. We sat in silence in the sun, enjoying the running water; him letting me be where I am and me letting him be where he is. Does that make any sense? Not trying to pull the other person closer or trying to fluff them up, but just being in that space of personal freedom together.

I include this quote today, because I experienced my first sunrise in many months as I was driving out of town on Sunday morning. I had this realisation that love is not easy, but it is beautiful, and that the one expectation we may always have in this life, is that of dawn. I feel so happy to be on this road with a trustworthy companion.