On banana bread and being with yourself

"Now that I've found you, I'll call off the search"   ..Katie Melua

I'm sitting in my kitchen thinking about tomorrow and the days and weeks to come.The oven is preheating as I am just about to make lovely banana bread for myself. 

 I'm also thinking of Einstein who said, I never think of the future as it comes quickly enough! I feel a bit like a dog that has been chasing a car for the last 7 months. Now I have finally caught it and I feel slightly bewildered. 

  

Tomorrow is my last day in the office before a long summer break. It is also the last day in that specific building, a beautiful campus next to the ocean I have been working in for the last three and a half years.

The ''car'' I have caught is TIME. It feels as though I have been rushing forever, for years, always taking short breaks and always leaving home. I also usually work most of the summer. So, this year I have given myself a big gift. Space and time at home. And also two lovely breaks! Those I will tell you about soon.

Now that I am finally on the threshold of the holiday, it feels a little bit scary. The open space and time seems daunting. My life has been so super regulated and timetabled: working hours, yoga, German, the man... all nicely pencilled into my diary and ticked off methodically.

 I have so many things I want to do: I am on a mission to throw out, lighten the load, and also create some order in my surroundings. 

But most of all, I would like to spend quality time with me. And I think my biggest plan of all consists of doing nothing mostly.

Today I came home and cooked myself a scrambled egg with asparagus and parmesan, I watered parts of the garden and then sat in the pool with a cup of tea, listening to the call to prayer. It is Ramadan and life has slowed down. Things seem to happen in slow motion, and it is a good feeling if you don’t mind that for a while.

Usually, I play that song by Katie Melua when I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful companion in my loved one. Tonight I play it for myself.

Dear friend, wishing you open spaces and time to do nothing except be with yourself.

Here’s the recipe by the way, it is one I use regularly.

Ingredients:

·         3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed

·         1/3 cup melted butter

·         1 cup sugar (can easily reduce to 3/4 cup)

·         1 egg, beaten

·         1 teaspoon vanilla

·         1 teaspoon baking soda

·         Pinch of salt

·         1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

 Method:

Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). With a wooden spoon, mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour last and mix. Pour mixture into a buttered 4x8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve. YUM!

  

The guesthouse

Dear friends, I'll be back soon, the potions are simmering. Until then, entertain all guests with grace.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

... A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

A falcon, a storm or a great song

"I am circling around God, around the ancient tower,
and I have been circling for a thousand years,
and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm,
or a great song."
 from "The Seeker," a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Robert Bly)

I had a beautiful girlie day yesterday with two of my favourite ladies -going to yoga and then for a luxurious masssage, followed by a yummy lunch, a dip in my pool and then just sitting outside by candle light talking about this and that, enjoying the quiet and the privacy of the garden.

I am having a lovely calm contented day, pottering around in my things and tidying up a bit. New courses starting at the university tomorrow, thinking about them. Going on a little fun shopping expedition to the mall with my girlfriend Monica later this afternoon. Shopping is not usually my thing, but Monica is a great  companion, and I am going to spoil myself a little to celebrate my promotion at work.

My home is in a state of disarray and I look forward to tackling it properly soon. I have a long "to do" list circling around my head. My body is tired and a little achy today. My loved one is in China and he is much in my thoughts. But it is a good kind of longing.

I am thinking about all the layers we live in, all the roles we play at one time, all the dimensions we frequent, and I am brought home with the thought that the process of knowing yourself is a life-long quest, and that I am in everything and everything is in me. Part of me is in the falcon, part in the storm and part in the song.

Also in the grass, the desert sand, the wind, the pixels of the letters I type, and in the heart of my lover.

Deep bow to Rilke today.

Imaginary problems

Rob Brezsny has outdone himself again with his astrology, and I thought you could all benefit from this advice. Very true words. I suffer from the affliction of "imaginary problemitis" regularly, due to my overactive, very colorful imagination. It is a good example of one of the things that brings me great joy that also has the capacity to cause unnecessary pain. Balance balance balance! Enjoy being yourselves, dear fellow travellers!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "If I had my life to live over," said Nadine Stair at age 85, "I would perhaps have more actual problems, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones."

 I suggest you write out that quote, Capricorn, and keep it close to you for the next six months. Your task, as I see it, will be to train yourself so you can expertly distinguish actual problems from imaginary ones. Part of your work, of course, will be to get in the habit of immediately ejecting any of the imaginary kind the moment you notice them creeping up on you.

On hanging upside down

Hallo everybody-

We have recently been watching a fantasy television series called the Game of Thrones, quite a good one, we certainly got sucked in, after being quite sceptical initially. The reason I mention this is because I had the kind of day in which I felt I had a little fire-spitting dragon on my shoulder, searing my brain with stupid unconstructive negative thoughts, and burning my eyes with the smoke. I kept throwing the little creature off, only to find him clinging on again like an angry lizard a few minutes later. 

I had a good presentation today, prepared with the help of my super trusty loved one, and although I was busy, it was a good day, things flowed well. Yet still this little monster by my ear would not let me be. Whispering doubts from the past, uncertainties from the future and generally spoiling the now.   I dressed for yoga with my eyes welling with tears, and was determined to go and do a good job of it, flinging this thing off me by swinging upside down long enough on the ropes.

I walked into Shilpa's courtyard where the people sat waiting and noticed that 4 of the ladies were wearing different shades of pink T-shirt, very pleasing. The chrysanthemums in the flower bed were a wonderful cerise pink too. Suddenly I had the feeling they were calling me. I was drawn to sit on my haunches beside them and look closely at their beauty. You guys are going to think I am going a bit balmy with all these stories of voices, but I am sure I heard them whispering to me, "Be gentle, be gentle, be gentle". Maybe it was a message from  the fairies living under their petal canopies.
I immediately relaxed, drawn into the natural world, feeling their wonder.

The baby dragon started giving cute little snores on my shoulder, and when he fell off as I was hanging upside down in the ropes, I gentle picked him up and carried him to the car. He was after all a reminder of my humanness, my vulnerability, my fallibility, my tendency to think too much, to worry in the early morning hours, to be jealous for no reason, to entertain unnecessary drama. I am a human and he is part of me, if I treat him gently and with compassion, he will be an asset, a teacher to me. He, too, holds a certain beauty.

Be gentle with yourselves, dear companions, and accept your imperfection, it is often this very vulnerability that makes us strong to live in this world.

Hi handsome, my name is Rose.

Thanks to my dear girlfriend from Windhoek who sent me this story. I don't know who wrote it, but would love to share it with all of you here. Thanks to the author for this great inspiration.

The first day of university our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze..

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked. 

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids....'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be  taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and  now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building  and shared a chocolate milkshake. 

We became instant friends.Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom  and experience with me.Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she  easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she revelled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. 

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on  the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!  I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.. 
There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy,  and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humour every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.  

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!  

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.  

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. 

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets..' 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing  'The Rose.' 
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. 

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you  can possibly be. 

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a living by what we get. We make a Life by what we give.

Dear friends, I am remembering today that if I take good care of myself and give from my abundance, I can never give too much. And what i give, comes back in ways better than my wildest dreams.

On the solstice and stilettos

Hallo everybody! I can't believe that half this year has gone already. It is the longest day, the day of the summer solstice. Through history it has had many associations, rituals and traditions attached to it. I believe that the Scandinavians use it as an excellent excuse to party as only they can. So, it is a time to be joyful, to experience the warmth of the sun and your friends, laugh well, and bask in God's magnificence.

It is known as 'All Couples' day. So if you are in a loving liaison, it is a good time to give thanks for that love and renew the bonds of love in any way you would like- for me a lovely kiss did it! Enjoy the company of your loved one, physically or in your thoughts.

If you are single, it is an auspicious time to renew your commitment to calling your true love to you. On a higher level it is a day to focus on seeing the Creator in all things and renew your commitment to any higher power or  source of Divine Love you believe in.

I have been so wrapped up in my physical tasks, especially at work- setting exams, invigilating, marking, going to meeting and workshops- that  I have definitely been feeling a bit swamped. In these situations, I find that I allow the pressure to affect my inherent happiness. I woke up one morning with a pounding heart, my to-do list cramped into my head, running over and over like a stuck record. I had backed myself mentally into a little corner.

The usual morning fear is quite a challenge as it is, and this was really quite difficult. I just wanted to pull the blanket over my head and pretend I didn't exist. I don't know who or what it was (I certainly can't take credit for it!) but there came a soft yet clear voice through the fog,
"It is possible to be really busy and really joyful at the same time".
With the words decended peace and a huge archway opened in front of me, and I went to the shower with a smile.

That evening at work we paid tribute to our Academic Director who is leaving us to join her husband in Shanghai. She is a Swiss physicist, and is what I would describe as a workaholic in the best sense of the word. A person who is interested and committed to making a difference at every level of the organisation and who is willing to put in all the hours and energy it takes to bring her visions to fruition. She has time for each person and each issue, and has a way of cutting through the unnecessary crap with agility. No matter how many emails, no matter how many phone calls or meetings or hurdles, or even minor catastrophes, I never once heard her complain or say she was tired. As I was listening to her farewell address, I thought that this lady was certainly a role model to me. In fact, she really does live the maxim that I had been told in such unequivocal words that very morning.

Another quality of hers I admire, is her ability to wear really high-heeled stiletto shoes, and make them look really elegant and comfortable. I doubt I would ever be able to do that!

On this 21st day of June, the day of letting go of the old and taking on new energy, I am sure that my director won't mind if I share with you this quote from her memorable farewell speech:

"We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home"

Australian Aboriginal.