1 year old today! And the Universe's kiss.

Today is a celebration day! "Whose gonna clean the catboxes" is 1 year old! And this girl has walked a path and a half. I went to my perfect tailor, Nani, yesterday to pick up a couple of dresses, and as I left the changing room, we both started laughing simultaneously. I just couldn't believe it was ME and neither could he: "Stefani, what happened in the last year, you look 16!" 

Many things have happened, and I have done a lot of throwing out and letting go and creating space for new things to develop and come to fruition.

Today I am in awe of that process. The line between the seen and unseen seems very thin and tiny droplets are constantly sticking to my eyelids. It must be the wind and the sand in the air that make my eyes water so...
The weather is truly eery, and I woke up at 3 am feeling very restless, a kind of excitement.

The flagcounter tells me that 490 people  from 23 countries people have visited my little dragon in the woodshed, and each has brought a little titbit of wonder for him to feed on.

I wanted to have a little celebration with the loved one today, cake and a simple meal. The man has not been in top form and I wanted sincerely to see his face. But he was tied up, and I went home from work with my lip quivering a little bit. I came to my room to centre myself, not long after which the loved one dropped by for a few minutes on the way to his appointment- with cake he had made! My housemate arrived quietly and started cooking, and before I knew it, I had a yummy meal in front of me. The universe brought me exactly what I wanted, but just took the responsibility out of my hands. It was a lovely surprise - another lesson in letting go.

So dear fellow travellers, thank you for accompanying me on this way- each visit, entry you read, comment you write publically or privately gives me energy to carry on. And that brings me a lot of joy.

I wish for you that your process also may flow naturally like mine, that you may take small steps in the direction of your bliss, and that you may experience the Universe's kiss.

Serenity prayer

Dear God

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

On wild horses, and that certain twinkle in the eye

There ain't no cure for love- Leonard Cohen

I was standing outside just now having a conversation with my neighbour. There is a sandstorm brewing in Muscat and the weather is strange and blustery and hazy. Even the call to prayer has a different quality of sound to it. We were all sent home early and are enjoying having the afternoon off. The airconditioning in my bedroom is not working, so I have a the gentle humming of the standing fan accompanying my thoughts as I write.

Back to my neighbour. He is in a long distance relationship and they are in love. They skype almost every day and share everything. He goes back to his home country as often as he can to see her. He is however, not really happy. She can't make up her mind if she want to come to see him on holiday. She didn't come in the previous holiday because she had too much work. In every conversation there are different excuses and different reasons not to come, and a whole lot of analysing and worrying about the future.

I said to him, "You have been so unhappy and frustrated recently. Sorry to be direct, but does she really love you?"
"Of course she loves me, she says so all the time. She is deeply in love with me and says I am the best man she has ever been with."
Me: "There seems to be a big disparity between the actions and the words. If I am a woman and I love you, nothing is going to keep me away, not work or illness or stress or worries about the future, or bad weather or financial issues or for that matter, wild horses. Wild horses would not keep me away!"

I had such a deep realisation that I do not need those words if the man that I am with just glimpses at me with a certain twinkle in his eye, allows me to interfere with the barbeque when I know that I should leave it alone, bakes my favourite rusks just to please me. When I am with him, I feel no morning fear.

May we all recognise and cherish the love we receive, in whatever form it chooses to find us.

a reason, a season, a lifetime

This is an old one that crossed my path again recently. An old soul friend sent it to me. I did not write these words myself, but it has accompanied me and comforted me along the way, and I would like to share it here. I salute the person who wrote it, and has really helped me a lot in my daily process of letting go.

''People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will understand better and find it easier to let go, if necessary.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant!''

Thank you, dear friend, for being a part of my life,
whether you are a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

Crossroads

The second half of my life will be black
to the white rind of the old and fading moon.
The second half of my life will be water
over the cracked floor of these desert years.
I will land on my fee this time,
knowing at least two languages and who
my friends are. I will dress for the
occassion and my hair shall be
whatever color I please.
Everyone will go on celebrating the old
 birthday, counting the years as usual,
but I will count myself new from this
 inception,this imprint of my own desire.

The second half of my life will be swift,
past leaning fenceposts, a gravel shoulder,
asphalt tickets, the beckon of open road.
The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,
fingers shifting through fine sands,
arms loose at my sides,wandering feet.
There will be new dreams every night,
and the drapes will never be closed.
I will toss my string of keys into a deep
 well and old letters into the grate.

The second half of my life will be ice
breaking up on the river, rain
soaking the fields, a hand
held out, a fire
and smoke going
upward, always up.

by Joyce Sutphen

A trick of light

On my way to work on Wednesday morning, after working late to get my portfolio for the promotion done, my beloved Ollie overheated and I stood by the side of a long highway, cars zooming past me. I had some water in the back, which I put into the radiator after getting it open with my beach towel and managing to avoid the huge spurt of boiling shitty water spraying up like a geyser.My colorful stripey towel is ruined, which I am sad about, but I am grateful for its protection.

 I set off again, only to stop a little way further. He was just not having it. I got out the car wondering what to do when I noticed the daintiest, almost glowing, little bush by the side of the road with teeny white butterflies flitting around it. I immediately relaxed and paused. In that moment a car pulled up, a kind Omani man with a broad smile offered to help me. I got to class 3 minutes before the start and had a good flowing lesson. 

Despite my own pressure, I had found time to help my friend Miriam with her cover letter. She said,'Stefani, I am so happy with it now, it is like a waterfall'. We had coffee and chocolate and sat in the art studio a few moments gathering myself.

I managed to hand in my portfolio on time, although I had forgotten the nice folder I wanted to use at home.
I left Ollie with his trusty Sri Lankan doctor later that day, praying that the problem was something small. When I picked my car up on Friday evening (he was finished early), I had forgotten my wallet. The loved one, who was standing next to me, took out his money and paid without blicking an eye or skipping a beat. I  had to hold back a tear of thankfulness that appeared instantaneously behind my eyes. 

As I had hoped, it was a minor problem. Later I realised that the mechanic had also replaced the bulb of the inside light of the car without me asking. The darkness inside the car had been irritating me for months. I can't express the joy I experienced at that small gesture of bringing light into my life unasked.

There are many other angels too, and I think when we allow ourselves to dance with life and stay at the centre, they reveal themselves as they are needed.

I wish that you may clearly hear life's music and move to its beat, and that angels will join in!

As I watched my fellow churchgoers kneel to receive Holy Communion on Friday, I was sure I saw a beautiful translucent figure of light welcoming the worshippers to this ancient ritual. My breath caught in my throat and I felt the emotion well in my chest. But then, it could have just been a trick of the sun's rays reflecting off the glass behind. 

Goddess of Oman in purple underpants

I have many stories brewing and churning and rising up in me, and need to make time to write them!

I have had a busy week and although I promised myself to take things slowly, it just didn't work that way. I am physically and emotionally still very 'up and down', I think in this case -pun intended. The vertigo is better but still hits unexpectedly like hunger when you are right in the middle of something.

Aren't friends just the best invention in the whole world? I am so blessed to have collected a good few genuine ones.

My girlfriend in Bulgaria made my day, she posted on my Facebook wall:

Very
Eccentric
Real
Trustworthy
Incredible
Goddess of
Oman

Almost makes me feel honored to be so dizzy! Wow!

I have had a week of appraisals with the manager and preparing my portfolio- with the help of the loved one at the last minute, bless his computer skills- to hand in for the promotion process. The deadline is tomorrow.

So, light the candles, put on the purple underpants, cross the toes, chant the Ohms, dance the dance and for money and recognition to come raining from above. It's time.

Wishing you the support of a true friend when you most need it today.